The Frustration Factor: When Expectations Clash with Reality

The thing that's been on my mind this week? Frustration. It seems to be everywhere—from the antics of the US administration to the ongoing atrocities in the DRC to clients grappling with return-to-office mandates, or just folks overwhelmed by institutional dysfunction.

This week reminded me of a lesson I learned from my then 10-year old niece, the hard way. While on auntie duty, I was helping her get ready for cello practice. Fifteen minutes before her ride was due, she was still in pajamas. Exasperated, I said, “Your behavior is really frustrating me.”

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “I'm not frustrating you; you're frustrating yourself.”

My first thought, as a proud auntie, was “Come through emotional intelligence!” My second? “Then use that intelligence to get dressed!” But she wasn't wrong. The frustration was mine—and it was rooted in my expectations.

That's often what frustration is: a clash between reality and how we think things should be. Whether it's your government or kids who seem to lose their hearing every time you speak, the common denominator in frustration is our internal narrative not aligning with external outcomes.

So, what do we do with frustration when it hits?

Step One: Recognize it.

Suppressing frustration doesn't make it go away—it just builds pressure until it erupts or seeps out, doing immeasurable damage along the way. In workplaces, I often see “peacekeeping” cultures where no one names their frustration. Eventually, it shows up as an interpersonal blow up, burnout, or even health issues like insomnia or high blood pressure. (Been there. Done that.) Name it so you can begin to address it.

Step Two: Examine your expectations.

Ask yourself:

• Were they realistic?

• Did you communicate them clearly?

• What commitments were made to you?

Sometimes the answer to whether or not our expectations were reasonable will be a resounding “no.”  This was the case with a coaching client who found herself frustrated with her nonprofit's strategy.  As a senior leader, she was within her scope of responsibility to give input, but the final decision wasn't up to her.  While her investment in the company and its strategy was an indicator of her commitment to the organization and its mandate—sis wanted her team to win and to win big—that commitment created an unrealistic expectation that left her frustrated.  Once she honestly assessed her expectations, she could let go of the disappointment and contribute to the team in a way that honored her commitment to excellence while also respecting the limits of her responsibilities.

She arrived here by not only assessing her expectations, but by practicing the third thing we can do to address frustration: focus on what's in our control.

Step Three: Focus on what's in your control.

Stephen Covey's framework in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People outlines three concentric circles:

• Circle of Concern: Big-picture issues like national policy or company-wide decisions. These matter, but we have limited power to change them directly.

• Circle of Influence: Where we can shape outcomes by offering ideas, support, or alternative perspectives.

• Circle of Control: I call this, the Janet Jackson Zone—“what have you done for you lately?” Here, we have real agency. We can shift how we respond, speak up, initiate new projects, or even change environments.

As a citizen, you may not write legislation, but you can vote, call your reps, or support advocacy. As a team member, you can give input and model effective leadership, and as an auntie, you can remember that Roblox will always beat cello and negotiate accordingly.

By focusing on where we have power, we reduce frustration and increase our ability to effect real change—for ourselves and those around us.

Truthfully, some of this is easier said than done.  If you'd like some support discerning what's within your control, and how to leverage your influence, consider coaching.  Book a discovery call today.